So let’s just say I’ve fallen off the writing bandwagon. Not so much for this blog – I never intended it to be all that regular, and will likely never see myself returning to the heyday of livejournal with my 2-3 posts a day and whatnot. However, food blog is pretty much dead in the ground. That one was always intended for a broader audience, and it never quite caught on. At the end of the day, all I really want to do is make food and take a picture of the final product if I feel like it, not tediously document the entire process. Who knows, maybe I’ll come back to it. After all, it did help get me that job I turned down last year.
Time is also running short for NaNoWriMo chopping & outlining. I’ve got the last 2 years’ novels to go through, cull, reorganize, and come up with an outline for this year’s. I’ve got way too many characters and not enough plot. And this isn’t even talking about my awful vampire story or my awful Rapids/Shore CYOA story, though I’m a little bit more OK with those being dead in the water, I suppose. One of these days.
Summer is almost over, which sucks. I figured out my pattern awhile back, that being that I’m most able to get projects done in the summer, and least likely in the winter. Despite my best efforts, seems like every winter I’ve got a month or so where I just lie on the couch, unable to move, wishing I was an inanimate object. And generally feeling guilty about it. I’d like my winter self to take care of herself in whatever ways are possible, so my summer self tries to be incredibly productive so my winter self will be able to catch up on Dexter or whatever. “Productive” for me generally means making art or making websites. Thus far, however, it’s been all home furnishings. I painted and varnished 2 tables, redid some fabric on some bar stools, painted a lampshade. I really should post pictures one of these days. In any case, I’ve still got the art and the web projects waiting to be done. Again, one of these days.
So yeah, I’ve been single over a month now. I suppose part of the problem is that, ever since I’ve hit puberty, I’ve either desperately wanted to be in a relationship, or have been in a relationship. My periods of singledom have been enjoyed for what they are, but there’s always been an underlying current of aching loneliness. I’m going to assume that this is pretty normal for a lot of people, and that with enough time being single the loneliness subsides a bit, or at least becomes easier to ignore. Course, I don’t want to ignore the fact that even *in* relationships, I’ll feel aching loneliness. That might, however, just be general depression leading to existential awareness and whatnot. Anyhow, I’ve got all this free time and I fill it with video games, so that’s super productive!
I find too many things come back to productivity for me. I think I tend to equate my self-worth to the things I produce, and as a result if I’m not doing enough of what I deem “productive”, I get depressed and imagine myself to be a worthless person. Suppose the ideal thing would be to learn to find worth outside of what I create. However, the next best thing seems to be to just produce, as it has the side effect of making me better at what I’m working on, thus increasing skill, being valued at work, and so on. I mean, there are many worse mental afflictions to be dealing with, so I should really not whine about this sort of thing.
And speaking of afflictions, I’ve been on this drug for 2 months now that controls the side effects of the tumors. It’s a birth control like pill, but is not actually birth control, and I am only on it 2 weeks of every 4. First month it was great, to be honest, but month 2 had me starting the pill several days before my period actually started (as my cycle is more like 32 days, not 28), which super confused my body. So, I might take my medication into my own hands and simply start taking them at the beginning of every period, and not every 28 days. Still, the pain is significantly less, which was the primary goal. I admittedly was afraid of the side effects, given it’s similarity to birth control, but they haven’t been as bad as I had feared. The different birth controls I’ve tried before have generally killed my libido, but this one luckily has not done that – think it’s actually giving me some effect in the other direction, which is super awesome being FREAKING SINGLE now so there’s not much I can do with that. Oh, and weight gain. Had a little of that. But you know, if I have to go up half a pants size to get rid of these symptoms, totally worth it.
Reading: I finally finished the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo series, and it was fantastic. Am currently reading Stephen Baxter’s Coalescent, which is pretty interesting thus far. I used to keep a list locally, but have since started using Amazon’s wish list feature to keep books I want to read organized in a list.
Upcoming Events: There’s a Scottish festival I might go to on Sunday, looks fun. Rapids away game at the end of this month, whereupon I get on a bus and go on a looong ride to Kansas City. Should be fun, outside of the teeny things my brain will choose to focus on to create anxiety. Like, I recently had the thought of: at some point we’ll stop to eat breakfast or lunch, and I’ll have to figure out where to sit. This is the crap that stresses me out. If I was told I’d have to punch a bear in the face, I’d be all like “OK, sounds good.” But if I’m told, “You’ll have to go be in a room with some people you don’t know, some acquaintances, some friends, and some people who you aren’t sure are acquaintances or friends,” I’ll get stomach cramps from anxiety. Ugh. Oh well, maybe I can be drunk. Huzzah!
This is long. I’m sorry if you read this far. WordPress is like my imaginary friend that I tell all my problems to. It’s quite cathartic. And, let’s face it, if I wasn’t writing here, I’d probably just be blowing this time on video games anyhow. Curse you, Candy Crush!