I made up a theory involving toilet paper & fruits/vegetables

So I was sitting there, as you do in the bathroom, and I came up with this theory on toilet paper. I think that if you were to compile purchase histories at your average grocery store, you’d find that quality of toilet paper purchased correlates inversely with the amount of fruits & vegetables purchased. So, people who eat the worst might be more likely to buy fancier TP.

There’s a pretty big range in terms of quality for toilet paper. On one end you’ve got your dirt cheap single ply Scott, and the on the other end you have 3 ply super fluffy toilet paper made from the tears of angel babies.

Now, your poop is a good representation of how you eat. A diet rich in fiber (AKA all of those fruits and vegetables) results in fluffy poop that comes out clean. And if your poop comes out clean, that means minimal wiping. A less healthy diet means messier poop, which means more time spent on the toilet, and more time (and toilet paper used when) wiping.

If you’re not spending that much time wiping, cheaper toilet paper works just as well as anything else. The more you have to wipe, though, the more sore your wee bum is going to become using lesser quality paper, so that fancier paper that’s thick and fluffy and infused with aloe is going to be a lot more appealing. Thus, my theory.

There’ll still be outliers, of course. Some people will always choose the cheapest option available. Others will always choose the fanciest option available. But, even with those averaged into the data, I still think my theory is spot on.

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